The Disease to Please

Disease to Please in Individuals

Our upbringing and life experiences play a significant role in how strong our need to please others is. For example, I find myself doing things my family and friends want, even if I would rather not. When I do this, I am prioritizing the needs and desires of others above my own – and sometimes that is appropriate! I am a mother, a daughter, and a sister. Those relationships require and deserve investments of my time and energy which I am happy to give. However, I know there is a point when I am compromising out of habit or in ways that are a disservice to myself. 

That is where the disease to please comes in. Soon enough those compromises easily become expectations. What happens the one time you don’t compromise? The other person’s expectation is unmet, leading to confusion, disappointment, arguments, heightened emotions, and strained relationships.

Leading Through the Disease to Please

In the context of leadership, the disease to please can manifest as a reluctance to share opinions or make decisions. They avoid conflict and are too willing to compromise on important issues. But leadership requires a range of abilities, like decision-making, communication, empathy, and problem-solving. A successful leader balances the needs and interests of the organization, customers, and team with their own goals and values. 

When I was a new leader in a new department, I wanted to feel like I belonged in the role. I considered myself to be part of the elite group. After all, that particular organization made it incredibly difficult to get promoted. Once I finally reached that level, with it came a feeling of entitlement – as well as fear of failing or feeling outcast. I found myself becoming overly concerned with pleasing others and less willing to take risks or make tough decisions. I would say “yes” enthusiastically and worked very hard to keep the position I earned. 

Ultimately, my focus on avoiding conflict blocked me from growing. I was considered “not strategic enough.” By the time I started sharing my ideas and opinions with peers and leaders, it was too late. Others had developed stronger connections and working relationships and my reputation as weak or indecisive did not serve me well.

I realized that my disease to please, more often than not, ended up not pleasing others. Further, my values conflicted with my actions causing internal strife and inconsistent behavior.

Today, it is clear to me: Effective leadership requires a balance between meeting the needs of others while staying true to one’s own values and priorities.

Women and the Disease to Please

It is a common generalization that women are either naturally good at or are expected to juggle multiple responsibilities – that multitasking is considered second nature to us. Let’s pause and reflect on why that is. I have been a great multitasker (at least I thought I was) all my life and though I would be proud of being called that in the past, today, I know the reason for that is simply because I hesitated to say “no” to others' requests. 

In her book, The Female Brain, neuropsychiatrist and author Dr. Louann Brizendine explores the unique aspects of the female brain and how they influence behavior, emotions, and relationships. She summarizes that:

• Women tend to have a larger and more active limbic system – the part of our brain responsible for processing emotions; further, women experience different hormonal fluctuations that affect mood, cognition, and behavior.
• Women’s brains also have a stronger stress response leading to increased anxiety and depression.
• Women are more attuned to social cues making them more likely to engage in collaborative and nurturing behaviors.

As I reflect on Dr. Brizendine’s work, it seems that, as women, our physiology is so hard-wired for connection and maintaining social harmony, that it is expressed as a need to please others. This cannot and should not be generalized for all women, but it does give some insight into why it may be harder for women to set boundaries around how we are expected to behave.

In the workplace, we are simultaneously expected to be nurturing and supportive while also being ambitious and assertive. This creates a situation where the two expectations are competing and often incompatible, particularly for women in leadership. If we are too assertive, we may be seen as bossy. If we are too caring, we may be seen as weak. We are judged on our appearances, fashion, or if we smile enough. These expectations can lead to women leaders succumbing to the disease to please in order to meet unreasonable expectations.

How to Overcome the Disease to Please

The first step in finding a cure for the disease to please is self-awareness. By becoming more aware of our own thoughts and feelings, we can begin to recognize patterns in our behavior. Consider how often you seek approval from others. How often do you fear being rejected or criticized? How many times do you compromise your own values and goals and end up feeling resentful because of it? Try to catch yourself in the moment and try to unpack why you are doing it with this person, in this particular context.

The second step: self-expression. When we compromise too much, we are muting ourselves. The only way to overcome it is to do the opposite – express yourself. When we start to authentically express our needs, set boundaries, and learn to say no – still, with empathy – do we learn to become more assertive and confident. Balancing your own needs and those of others can help make us authentic, effective leaders.

Breaking Free From the Disease to Please

It can be hard to give ourselves permission to say no or choose ourselves first, but my friend Rahul Kini explained it this way: I have four circles for all my relationships. 



• The innermost circle is my relationship with myself, which is the core and the most important. It is solely my responsibility to take care of myself. 
• The second circle has people who are dear to my heart – family and close friends. Only when I am in great health and spirits, can I take care, bring happiness, and love to this group. 
• The third circle is colleagues and acquaintances with whom I often interact professionally and personally. Unless I am being authentic with myself and aligned with my values I cannot effectively contribute to this group. 
• The last circle has everyone else in the world. 

It comes down to this: Every single time I have suffered from unnecessary conflict and stress, it is when I have mixed up my priorities and indulged in people-pleasing before taking care of my own needs.

Finally Curing the Disease to Please

For so many, our worth is closely tied to a title, status, and success. Not achieving these only perpetuates the vicious cycle of pleasing others to reach our goals.

Remember: We are more than our work or what we do for others. Being true to yourself can liberate you from the need to please others, become aware of your true potential, be authentic, seek fulfillment, and be at peace.