Women, Break From the Shackles of Your Own Behaviors!
The Agile Leadership Journey Guide community is composed of passionate people trying to make a difference in the world by educating, consulting, and coaching leaders and organizations toward increased awareness and agility. Part of what I love about this community is the commitment of each of us to continuing to develop ourselves on our own learning journeys. Today I want to share some of my key learnings from a recent community book review discussion on "How Women Rise" by Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith. The discussion was facilitated by another ALJ Guide and coach, Christina Carlson, who also wrote a summary of the book.
Key Learning 1: "As women, are we focused on the job or the career?"
This was a powerful question to start the conversation. Most often, for some of us, just doing our job leads to recognition and a strong growth path. For many others, along with doing the job well, we also need to build new connections, new skill sets, newer approaches to even get acknowledged and seen. In their book, Helgesen and Goldsmith call out that women are mostly focusing on the job at the expense of their careers. I have been guilty of this phenomenon, as had most of the other women participating in this discussion. It’s quite common. How many women do you know that stayed in the same position, same role for more than 5 years, sometimes sacrificing their career advancement for the sake of the team, the organization, or their partners and families? In one of the organizations I worked for, we called them ‘strong contributors’ who were very good at their work but were not considered ready for promotions.
Why do women do that?
Every time I thought of leaving for a better offer — I would try and rationalize the situation by saying I love my company, I like the people here or the long term benefits of having built the network in the organization for staying here so long. I dreaded that, I would have to start from scratch if I were to move and I didn’t know if I would get the same flexibility that I got here. Post reflection, I realized this was half true — though I was comfortable I had my frustrations too.
Of course there are these cultural dynamics in every organization — some of my frustrations came from bias, lack of autonomy, lack of status mostly but I kept telling myself, if I changed the team or the manager it will be fine, and I did. Yet, things hardly changed.
The biggest reason I want to call out is internal to most women. "How Women Rise" talks about it beautifully and calls it LOYALTY. Research has shown that Loyalty is the primary reason why most women tend to stay in their jobs more than men. This virtue is stronger in women and often becomes a trap. Women neglect their future, sacrifice their ambition, and even undersell themselves to stay loyal. Most often, your society knows it and HR knows it too.
We are so good with multitasking and shouldering various kinds of responsibilities with enthusiasm when it comes to benefiting others., Why don’t we then believe we can do well with both realities — the need of the job and the need of the career? Why can’t we be loyal to ourselves for once?
What does it take?
Here is what you can try:
- Analyze the intent behind the activities — Identify all the activities that you are doing today and check for alignment with your future vision.
- Visualize them where you can see and prioritize the work based on what you’d like to maintain (the ones that are relevant in your new role) and develop (the ones you will need to in the future).
- Create a Board of directors for you as a product, basically your list of stakeholders – your manager, your peers, your partners, clients, direct reports, etc. and identify your potential allies. Declare your intent, seek inputs and their support.
- Get yourself a Mentor. You may need more than one based on your needs.
- Manage your Power and Presence – this has been the most difficult one so far for me. Start by showing up, being intentional and building your own space in the room.
Key Learning 2: "As women, we are great at building relationships, yet hesitate to leverage them."
As expressed in "How Women Rise",
Relationships have been a great source of emotional fortitude, long-term resilience, and everyday joy for women. I enjoy making new connections and getting to know people from various walks of life to learn about their culture, their world, their challenges, strengths, and struggles. Most often than not, I am good at leaving a positive impression on people and have a huge circle of friends across the globe. I spend time listening, learning, supporting, sharing knowledge and insight. But when I need something from them which I know they will gladly do if I ask. I hesitate. As women, I am sure most of us can relate to this as well. Most of us hesitate to network, ask for introductions and recommendations though we know it's important.
Why do women do that?
After some reflection, here is my answer – I have often hesitated in the past because I didn’t want people to think I am selfish. I wanted to be seen as a nice person — which I believe I am. There was this deep-rooted belief that leveraging people for my benefit wasn’t the quality of a nice person. Asking for help makes one look weak and looking weak wasn’t an option in the workplace either. I had also heard other women say that leveraging others is playing politics and good people don’t play politics. I would rather look good than get promoted.
Research has proven time and again that no great career was just built on talent or hard work alone and leveraging relationships is key to achieving professional success. We often hear men comfortably stating ‘you help me, I will help you’ and leveraging each other in many walks of life not just their careers. It is clear that they are using each other, and they are okay with it. For women having a close relationship matters more than developing a career and this will derail them often.
Another aspect that we often don’t talk about is that, the hesitance is also because women fear being taken advantage of. In my career of 20+ years I have had men reaching out to me offering help in exchange of something and ‘that something’ often has been an inappropriate demand. Men have made me feel unsafe with just a look or a touch or a subtle comment.
I would rather be safe than get promoted.
What does it take?
Leverage is a two-way street and operates to mutual advantage. Leverage itself can be the basis of a relationship. The ALJ community is a great example. We learn, we share, we express, and we help each other. I feel safe and know I won’t be judged if I ask for help. We all understand we are on a journey towards making a difference and we are in it together. We are all using each other to improve access to resources, broaden our professional connections, to create mutually beneficial opportunities, grow together as a community and be of service to each other. This doesn’t feel wrong. The underlying belief as expressed in "How Women Rise", is that a rising tide lifts all boats.
Here is what you can try
- Act on your strength — Build relationships but find people and communities that you can trust.
- ‘Be intentional and honest’ about what you need and why. Know that, in leveraged relationships rewards are extrinsic — they are measurable and concrete. The joy of a healthy relationship is an intrinsic bonus.
- The relationship must be a Win-Win, don’t indulge if it isn’t.
Key Learning 3: "As women, do we know the difference between talking too much and being transparent?"
Based on the research in "How Women Rise",
Women speak an average of 20,000 words a day while men speak around 7,000. It’s no surprise that we are often given feedback that we are too talkative and offer "Too Much Information." There are times when I can go on and on and tend to over explain everything even before someone asks. This happens when I get passionate about a particular topic or I am feeling insecure about myself or even when I want to establish a place for myself in a group that I want to belong to. With reflection and practice I have learnt to be concise yet share enough to drive the message across.
Why do women do that?
Here is why I think that happens. Women have a gift for establishing strong relationships, a genuine care for others, and the need to be helpful. And because of the ability to notice things that men can’t, we sometimes know what others are wanting to hear — sometimes the context, the details needed for decision making or even the need to be acknowledged by others in the room. We spend time making it a better place for others.
"Women have a gift for establishing strong relationships, a genuine care for others, and the need to be helpful."
What does it take?
- Self-Reflection - In today’s fast paced world and the need to deliver faster, people do not have the time to listen, they may get overwhelmed with too much information and may even get annoyed. It’s not your job to please everyone.
- Learn to focus on what is most essential and be concise.
- Take the time to prepare before speaking.
- Practice! Practice! Practice!
Additional Learning
Most of these are likely stemming out of the 3 belief systems women are normally raised with. And since our beliefs shape our resistance - it is key to relook at them with a newer lens and choose to believe otherwise if we don't want these to hold us back..
- Ambition is a bad thing - any woman too ambitious cannot be trusted,
- Being a good person means not disappointing others — our inability to separate our self interests from the expectations of others
- Women must always be role models for other women — girls are rewarded for being thoughtful, caring and obedient.
Pause here and reflect — have you internalized the above beliefs and expectations?
Conclusion
Changing for the better requires all of us — men and women — to start with curiosity, with a beginner’s mind at least with one thing. That one thing could be ‘letting something go’ or ‘starting something new’ but with the willingness to make a consistent effort over a period of time. And like any other new habit, make it intentional, keep it small and look for progress over perfection. Move an inch each day, one day you will reach a mile.
Ask for help! Enlist a buddy or a partner - be sure to choose them wisely, someone who has the positive frame of mind and cares enough to be honest with you.
Let go of judgment — for self. Women tend to be harder on themselves. Women tend to believe that they are either good or bad, kind or cruel, right or wrong. Forgiving usually starts with letting go of the either/or mindset, believing that you can be ‘NOT so perfect’ but still be a wonderful person with true potential.
Always remember, as Marshall Goldsmith and Sally Helgensen put it —The flipside of every limiting behavior is always a strength. Strengths such as empathy, humility, diligence and reliability underlie many of these behaviors. While you think about what you like to work on, please take time to recognise and celebrate what you have!
We, women are a powerhouse of talent and grit
Of course there is the element of culture, the environment or the circumstances that hold us back. Most often, in addition to that, it is also our own self-limiting behaviors that hold us from reaching our full potential. Time and again we have proved to the world that we can overcome anything that's thrown at us. It’s time to focus on our own habits, gain insight into why we engage in these behaviors and take appropriate action.
I have only called out a small part of my behaviors in this blog. I have been engaging in every single one of the 12 ineffective habits mentioned in "How Women Rise" and I urge all of you to read it and break the shackles of your own limiting behaviors.
Women in Agile Leadership
In addition to discussing this book in our community book club, we have wrapped some of the teachings into our Women in Agile Leadership program. We discuss these 12 habits, look at the risks associated with maintaining the status quo, and provide powerful reframes. Learn more about this program and register for an upcoming session.
About the Author
Rashmi Fernandes works with leaders and teams to co-create outcomes that lead to agility and positive team culture, while focusing on strategic alignment. She specializes in enabling product teams to focus on customer centricity and arrive at shared understanding towards a common purpose. As an Innovation Catalyst, she coaches teams on how to take an idea from concept to life.
She has led many enterprise wide initiatives like Product Conferences, Product & Scrum Master Communities of Practice & Leadership Development Programs. Her passion for her community in India brought together an initiative that provides a platform for over a thousand underprivileged children to play sports.
